New year. New semester. New professors. New classmates. New friends.
Sorry, I lied. Last time I said I would post an abridged version and would go back to write more after finals. However, during winter break (after finals) I didn’t have much to write about… or I did, but I didn’t feel like writing at the time.
I didn’t feel like writing because I was –to put it simply– depressed. It’s a simple nine letter word, yet it describes many emotions, or lack thereof.
A few days before finals, my boyfriend and I decided to take a break. I don’t know what I was doing when I asked for a pause instead of a stop, but in my mind, a break meant there was still hope to stay together; and I held onto every last ounce of that hope. I shouldn’t have though. It drove me insane trying to give him space and I wish I had realized sooner that we just didn’t fit as anything more than friends.
In our case, there were multiple warning signs before that pointed to the sign which read, “it won’t last forever.” But every girl wants her first love to be her last love, right? So I edited that sign in my mind, and wrote, “we will last forever if there is enough love.” I believed that as long as there was enough love for each other, then we would be fine. So in every situation or bump in the road, I just told myself to love him more; my extra love will make up for the doubts or lack of love. However, my “extra love” was really just me convincing and guilt-tripping him to stay with me. I was desperate and selfish.
I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I had been mature enough to listen and understand. Not only did my selfishness extend a relationship that was already stretched thin, but it also put the both of us through more stress than necessary. I wish I had accepted that maybe there just wasn’t enough love; or at least not the right kind of love. I think I realized the chances of us lasting in a long-distance relationship were slim, but I wish I had accepted it sooner. I was so scared of being alone that I convinced myself there was no problem; that we would be fine; that we were meant to be; or that we just needed a break and then we would go back to the way we were before.
Ultimately, we did break up. It was not fun, but it was something I learned from. It started to make me reflect on myself; what I want in a significant other and what I want to do for myself, by myself.
I think my edited sign is still true. If there is enough love, we will last forever. It’s just that now I know that the kind of love determines the kind of relationship. Moreover, there is no way to define “enough love,” other than to hope that when there is enough love, we will be so blinded by love that we won’t even see the original sign. Needless to say, I’m glad my first love was him. I am still forever grateful for all of our past experiences as a couple, and the fact that we got to start the new year as friends. 🙂
Going back to my depressing state which prevented me from posting here, I also attended my grandmother’s and great aunt’s funerals recently. These are equally, if not more, upsetting than the break up. However, the break up shook me because it was a new experience whereas funerals are unfortunately nothing new. It pains me to think about my late grandma and late great aunt. They were such amazing people and I aspire to be like both of them. I hope to be a person people can call when they need a friend. I hope to be a person who will stay organized and always go the extra mile to help. I hope to be more giving than selfish. I hope to put a smile on people’s faces. I hope to make memories with friends that we can tell to our future children while laughing. I hope to have few regrets from this day forward because I definitely regret not spending as much time with them.
There is always so much regret in life, and people always say to live without regrets. I agree with that statement, but I also have to say that to not have regrets here-and-there, is to not be conscious or caring of other opportunities. For example, if I were to eat a cake first thing in the morning and not regret it, then it could become a habit which would lead to me being sick. However, if I eat a cake in the morning and later regret it because I had an upset stomach, then I would learn to avoid sugary foods first thing in the morning, which would lead to a healthier lifestyle. I don’t know. Regret is a weird, thought-provoking topic for me; along with time, the power of music, and emotions among other things…. but I digress…
Anyways… that is why I haven’t posted in a while. But now I will try update more often. For realsies. 🙂
To recap my break, real quick, I went to Washington D.C. for the first time! It was absolutely freezing, and I made some not-so-smart sacrifices to the cold just for my outfits. Petty, I know. But totally worth it hahaha. I’m not a fan of museums; usually I get too bored. But the Smithsonian museums were amazing. Overall, I am very happy I went and I am very happy with everywhere we went. I am disappointed we didn’t get to try out some food places in the area, but that just gives me a reason to go back. 😉
I also got to see and hang out with my friends from high school. My best friend and I hosted a mini-winter formal for just our group of friends. We went to the Dollar Tree and Target for supplies, and set up a little scavenger hunt which lead them to dinner, another hint, and then the final destination (the dance). It was so much fun seeing everyone again, and was a nice excuse to get all dressed up just to hang out. Later during break, my friends and I continued to hang out as much as we could before we all went back to school. We played lots of card games, watched some Netflix, and ate lots of food.
Winter break was also a nice time to catch up with family. I missed having people around me who cared about me. Not to say that I don’t have that here at school, but there are definitely a lot of fake people. Being surrounded by love and people who have my best interest in mind was really nice.
On the topic of school, I ended up changing the majority of my schedule during break because I decided I wanted to go into business instead of becoming a teacher. Part of the whole learning about myself and what I can do for myself, included debating my future; mainly in regards to how I will be financially stable in my life. The reasons that really convinced me out of teaching and into business were because I would be doing the same thing every year, I’d need to be patient and understanding with every child, and that I would be on break when everyone else was working. These things just made me reconsider everything. I know that I can get a teaching credential in a year or two, and I have been interested in business before, so I just decided I would stick with business for now, and maybe go back to school to become a teacher in the future if business really isn’t for me.
I think classes this semester started off nicely. I have yet to really see how each professor teaches and how my classmates are, but I will keep ya posted. Extracurricular-wise, I had been debating withdrawing from Akbayan activities, but I decided I will continue to give it my all for at least the rest of this semester. I have also gotten closer with my fam in Akbayan which I am incredibly grateful for, and I’m pretty sure my JSS fam is hanging out more often this semester too! 🙂
Having more things to do is great! It means less time spent with my housemates. I still have not been released from the lease (I need my housemates to sign off on me leaving), so I am continuing to look for people to take over my lease. The reason I want to leave is because it is expensive, in a not-so-great area, and I have no car to get around places. Last semester, I pretty much stayed at home all the time instead of going out because I had no ride. This semester though, I will not let my living situation get to me. I am going to make the most of what I have to work with.
I do have a quiz tomorrow (I know! So soon!) in Japanese, so this will conclude today’s update. I’ll come back in a week or two with more life updates and/or pictures from D.C. If you read all of this, thank you! I know it was a lot, so props to you! ❤